Omens

I woke up from a nightmare today.

Got up and was ready for work while Erich was still sleeping soundly.

He woke up and I knew I needed to get into bed and snuggle with him one last time before leaving. Work was not as important as these times I spend with him. I know that.

As I am driving to work, a 911 Emergency Management Agency vehicle drove in front of my stopped car. It caught my eye in an unusual way. A few moments later I found myself behind that car. Starting at the words: Emergency Management Agency "Call 911." I was in a daze following this car until it pulled off.

On the highway I saw flashing blue lights from the airport. It has never disturbed me before, and now it's flashing in my side view mirror and rear view mirror. It eventually vanishes as I progress.

Then it hits me. A giant Bill Board. The words STAY SAFE are huge. It's a tire add that says "Stay Safe with Winter Tires." But the words STAY SAFE are burning into my mind. I start to look back at the omens from the airport. I try to write it off as a coincidence but then I look over to the truck next to me which says "SAFETY IS REAL." All Caps. Bold font. Across the top of the truck head, as the bed was gone. I feel my breath shorten.

"Life and Death" by the Dear Hunter starts playing on my radio. I am having trouble breathing.

I pull into the parking lot of my work. It only takes me 10-15 minutes to get here in the morning. I compose myself. I walk in to my office, next to a trampoline park. I am always greeted by their door first, but my eyes fixate on a detail that it normally doesn't fixate on when I see their door. In the corner of the door "No Weapons Allowed."

This could all be nothing. I listen to that song by the dear hunter often. Maybe I look at the tire ad frequently, and the truck was a coincidence. I know I have seen the trampoline sign before but because of everything else my mind decided to lock in on it. Maybe I do see the blue lights at the airport flashing but just never notice it. And there are some days where I have nightmares and want to get extra snuggles in.

Maybe, it's all a coincidence.

But on January 6, I didn't take the warnings seriously, and I am now convinced they were omens that I just wrote off. I don't ever want to write off that again.

All cried out

The last three nights I've cried myself to sleep. I walk in the door after work and start crying for hours until I cry myself to sleep.

Today I cried all day from the moment I woke up, until I finished my homework assignment.

I cried hard at work.

I cried to my new therapist (first time with her).

I cried into my homework.

Crying is supposed to release endorphins that make you feel better.

I will always be rooted to the airport. Gun violence will always force me back there.

I have more tears to shed but it's more than I can bare these days.

My heart has been broken all over again.