Haunted and hunted

The shooter is back in my dreams. I can't sleep at all. I wake up with a migraine. This has been going on for 2 weeks. I cannot escape him. He is continuing to hunt me. To haunt me. I cannot escape my ghost...

An Open Letter to Survivors

This is a video from the Rebels Project. They are here for you. I am here for you.



I relate to every word. If you read my blog, you KNOW I relate to every word. I am glad I found a community that actually live, breathe and UNDERSTANDS!

Pushing myself too hard?

I am trying. I am trying so hard to be better again. I might be trying too hard.

I am walking into work almost 2 hours early today because I couldn't sleep. The nightmares are back. I couldn't go back to sleep. Every time I woke up from one, I put on one of my Calm app Sleep Stories and it would put me back to sleep, and insert me into danger. I just couldn't risk that again.

I am working 9-12 hour days. It's stressful, even though I love my job. I am also starting classes soon. Decided to try and get a Master's in Social Work so I can be better equip to help others out there like me... I just wonder if it's too much too soon.

I am sitting here, at my desk, with an anxiety level at about a 7, verge or tears, because I just don't know how well I can deal with the day today...

But, I don't want to disappoint people by not trying.

I am trying to find purpose and meaning...

but I am failing.

I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. My new job, although it's a great environment and I love being here, has been draining. By the time I go home, I too drained to do anything else. My goal list has been kaput.

I have no energy to waste on exposure therapy.
I have no energy to waste on chores.
I have no energy to waste on my husband (and I know he is starting to feel it).

I have no energy at all.

I have all these other special projects that I want to get to, and I just can't.
I bought a mini-journal - 52 list project - to help me get back on track with writing and finding the good in the day/week/world, and I haven't been able to touch it yet.
I signed up for the Crisis text line, got approved, and this was the first week of training... I have two days to do it before I get kicked off :( I want to try it but, again, no energy.
I have special projects from work that I was supposed to do last weekend, that has been asked for me to produce yesterday, and... it's not done.

NOTHING IS DONE.

My last session with my therapist was short. She started a new schedule and my appointment was 30 minutes long. I got out all the stuff I felt was important from over the last month, and got no therapy. It felt like it anyway. I left her office for the first time feeling like nothing was accomplished. I know I can schedule more frequent visits, but I just don't have it in me right now to do that.

I don't know if I will ever get back to feeling complete. To have energy to DO stuff after work. To have energy to BE with my husband, instead of just existing next to him. I don't know why I am existing now. I don't know why I am alive.

I am just wasting space.

"Officers mishandled fort lauderdale airport shooting leading to chaos"

Article

I have no idea why I am alive...

Flying...

My co-worker is going to California. Brand new recruit. She started the same day as me! They were talking about flights, hotels, and car rental. She gets to go to our new campus in sunny California.

They didn't even ask me.
They know better than to ask me.
I wouldn't be able to go if they asked me.

But the jealousy is there.

...I wish I could go too.