Pushing myself too hard?

I am trying. I am trying so hard to be better again. I might be trying too hard.

I am walking into work almost 2 hours early today because I couldn't sleep. The nightmares are back. I couldn't go back to sleep. Every time I woke up from one, I put on one of my Calm app Sleep Stories and it would put me back to sleep, and insert me into danger. I just couldn't risk that again.

I am working 9-12 hour days. It's stressful, even though I love my job. I am also starting classes soon. Decided to try and get a Master's in Social Work so I can be better equip to help others out there like me... I just wonder if it's too much too soon.

I am sitting here, at my desk, with an anxiety level at about a 7, verge or tears, because I just don't know how well I can deal with the day today...

But, I don't want to disappoint people by not trying.

Are you afraid of the dark? Because I am!

Title is supposed to be funny, but maybe it's not? It came to me early this morning as I was remembering that old show on Nickelodeon and I thought it was. Looking at it now, it doesn't seem very funny, does it? Maybe I have to work more on my humor.

Either way, the title is true. I am now afraid of the dark. Driving at night makes me uncomfortable (and panicked). I haven't tried going out anywhere at night yet, except that one time I did try to go to the movies and couldn't make it inside. The darkness at night, inside, is what gets me. My ghost inhabits the darkness around me.

Yesterday, I was getting ready for bed. Erich stays up much later than me so I was about to jump into bed, when he turned out the lights. I froze (why is my fight or flight reflex stuck on Freeze??). It was only for a few beats and then I started pulling back the covers. He started walking towards me... in the dark... I may have freaked out slightly. 

I put my arm out to stop him from coming closer to me. I knew he was just trying to hug me and tuck me in, but I couldn't handle it. I felt panicked and unsafe. I notice I use the word panic/panicked/panic attack so much lately, but it's the main emotion I feel. It is absolutely a panic. I knew it was Erich in the dark. I knew he had good intentions. But I didn't want him to come closer to me without me seeing his face. I expressed this vocally, but telling him to please stop. He could tell from my voice, everything that was going on in my mind. He turned the lights back on.

I got into bed and turned the TV on. I cannot sleep without the TV on now. It sucks. I hate the static noises that come from the electronics. They fizz and buzz inside the TV and it digs deep in my brain. But the glow puts me at ease, and the voices on the shows help put me to rest. It works for a while, but then I wake up again. The noise sucks when I wake up and try to go back to sleep. So I turn it off.

I feel like I can handle the dark when I wake up in the early hours of the morning. It works for several minutes until the fear settles in again. I stare at the ceiling or I look out to the room. My eyes are wide. I can feel that how wide they are. I don't blink and I cannot close them. Thus, it triggers an attack. 

They are getting easier to deal with, but it still sucks. I miss sleep. I miss being in complete darkness and silence as I drift off. I started developing a slight eye twitch. Google is telling me it's from lack of sleep and stress. I need sleep so bad, but I can only get it on the weekends during the daytime. I am considering taking sleeping pills, but I feel like that is a rabbit hole I don't want to go down. Too many accidentally OD's from combining medication. It's tempting though.

Gosh. I feel like I might pass out at my desk writing this. I am so tired. I got maybe 2 hours of sleep last night. Maybe 3? Like I said before, when I get 3-4 hours, it's a blessing. If I was stronger, if I wasn't afraid of the dark, I could be normal again. I could have a life. I could get some rest.