It's hard

I am going to be frank. It's hard. It's hard living with mental illness. That's what it is, mental illness. It's hard to deal with all the things going on in my life and maintain healthy relationships with those around me. I cannot stay for parties, I cannot go out a lot of places. I cannot be there for important events or milestones. I feel bad for backing out of plans. I feel bad for crying in front of them. I feel bad for being me.

It feels like they have become my caretakers. Like I cannot be real friends with them because I cannot function properly. I don't want to take advantage of them. I feel so bad that it's not as give and take as a good friendship should be. It's more that they give and I take because I need to take and I cannot give much of myself right now.

I have a few baby showers coming up. I know I probably won't be able to stay the whole time. I haven't even seen the mommas-to-be more than, what, two times each? I feel like I cannot be there for them during this wonderful time in their life. I feel like I am neglecting them.

I hurt them. I know I must hurt them. I know they must feel guilty for feeling hurt too. I hate that I am doing this to people I love. I know that I am doing better, but I know I am not there yet. I need to step up my game. I need to be the person, the friend, I used to be. I need to find a way to make it up to them all. To show them I love them.

I just don't know how.

And it hurts.