Words cannot express the dire state I've been living in since I woke up and noticed it was September 1st.
Usually, by the time it's July, I am already planning Halloween. Movies, parties, costumes, what treats to give out, haunted houses and hay rides... The list goes on.
Halloween was the single greatest time of the year. I would save up to splurge on decorations, baking themes, and any thing else relating to the holiday. I wanted to have the best decorated house. My party was the party. I wanted to be the cool house with the full size candy bars and the best house to visit. It was my day.
It's September 1st. I should be drinking pumpkin spice lattes, putting the final touches on my costume. Setting up the days to go to haunted houses and starting the two month horror movie marathon. I can't even look at the costumes hanging up in stores. I don't want to put up any decorations. I don't want to see kids roaming the streets. I have a new aversion to pumpkins. None of it seems fun.
In place of smiling kids, roaming in costumes having fun, I only see dangers. They could get kidnapped, poisoned, murdered or worse - they could do that to me. The marathon are now panic attacks waiting to happen; jump scares, guns, danger... I can barely think of it. And the darkness... All I can think about is how dark the night will be on Halloween...
I just can't... I hate to admit it, and it breaks my heart to say it, but I can't do Halloween. I am considering finding a hotel or cabin to retreat to. No decorations, no horrors, and no strangers.
I was supposed to better by now. You weren't supposed to take away my one day a year. But you did. You've made all the thing I used to love terrifying.
I need to see my psychiatrist soon. I'm falling into that deep pit if depression again. Living as the person I am right now, doesn't seem worth it. I just want me back.
But she died.
No comments:
Post a Comment