Sinking

I feel like I am drowning myself.
Tying anchors to my body, and still struggling to swim up.
When I almost make it to the surface, the feelings return.
I tie more weights to my body to keep me from reaching the top.
I am drowning myself,
For the struggle keeps me distracted.

Time for a positive

It's been a while since my last panic attack. Could be due to me avoiding triggers, and also not being as triggered in my every day life. Could also be that my medication of Sertraline was increased to the maximum (200mg).

I am getting better. I know I am.

But I am so depressed...

I wish I had insight to share. I do not. Sometimes improving still means being released from one place and getting stuck in a different place with different symptoms. I was reflecting back on my serious ASD/PTSD episodes. Flashing back, feeling like I am being hunted, not having control of my thoughts or my body...

It's been months since an episode.

It's been a month since my last panic attack.

So why am I not progressing to a point of happiness?

Why am I coping with stress by drinking and being intoxicated all night?

Why do I do this to myself?

I need help.

Netflix

Bojack Horseman season 4 episode 5.

Orange is the New Black season 5, episode 1

Meltdown

Had a meltdown yesterday.

My mom came over and talked with me. I told her I needed her.
I unloaded everything I wanted to unload to my therapist:

• I want to quit my Master's program
• My house is in disarray 
• I do not want to celebrate Halloween - I feel empty
• I don't know if I want to live anymore.

She held me. I cried. She made me do yard work. I cried. She gave me advice. I cried. But somehow, after all of it was out in the open. I felt a huge relief. She encouraged me to keep going with my Master's degree, to find things to keep my mind occupied, and to keep living. 

So, the big news is that I am continuing my Master's degree. Although I feel like I have ADHD with my anxiety and cognitive issues, I am still powering through these VERY hard classes. I just need to find things to keep my mind occupied. If my mind is occupied, my thoughts will not wonder to any negative areas.

Appointment today

Talking points:

I need to see  her more frequently or longer than these 30 minute sessions. It feel myself regressing with her schedule change.

I might have to quit my Master's program. I can't handle the stress. Too much stress. I am a failure.

I am actively avoiding almost everything causing stress. Avoidance is the number one thing I should NOT be doing, and yet... I cannot even look at Halloween decorations or watch things that are violent.

A sub-point of avoidance: I am avoiding my family.

Depression/suicidal thoughts are coming back. I get triggered by thinking I am dying, by feeling the pressure of a gun because someone is behind me, but now instead of fear, I just don't care.

I don't care about any of it.

UPDATE: She cancelled my appointment... Again... And I really needed her this time.

When the porcelain breaks, you either fix it or toss it

Words cannot express the dire state I've been living in since I woke up and noticed it was September 1st.

Usually, by the time it's July, I am already planning Halloween. Movies, parties, costumes, what treats to give out, haunted houses and hay rides... The list goes on.

Halloween was the single greatest time of the year. I would save up to splurge on decorations, baking themes, and any thing else relating to the holiday. I wanted to have the best decorated house. My party was the party. I wanted to be the cool house with the full size candy bars and the best house to visit. It was my day.

It's September 1st. I should be drinking pumpkin spice lattes, putting the final touches on my costume. Setting up the days to go to haunted houses and starting the two month horror movie marathon. I can't even look at the costumes hanging up in stores. I don't want to put up any decorations. I don't want to see kids roaming the streets. I have a new aversion to pumpkins. None of it seems fun.

In place of smiling kids, roaming in costumes having fun, I only see dangers. They could get kidnapped, poisoned, murdered or worse - they could do that to me. The marathon are now panic attacks waiting to happen; jump scares, guns, danger... I can barely think of it. And the darkness... All I can think about is how dark the night will be on Halloween...

I just can't... I hate to admit it, and it breaks my heart to say it, but I can't do Halloween. I am considering finding a hotel or cabin to retreat to. No decorations, no horrors, and no strangers.

I was supposed to better by now. You weren't supposed to take away my one day a year. But you did. You've made all the thing I used to love terrifying.

I need to see my psychiatrist soon. I'm falling into that deep pit if depression again. Living as the person I am right now, doesn't seem worth it. I just want me back.

But she died.