Time for a positive

It's been a while since my last panic attack. Could be due to me avoiding triggers, and also not being as triggered in my every day life. Could also be that my medication of Sertraline was increased to the maximum (200mg).

I am getting better. I know I am.

But I am so depressed...

I wish I had insight to share. I do not. Sometimes improving still means being released from one place and getting stuck in a different place with different symptoms. I was reflecting back on my serious ASD/PTSD episodes. Flashing back, feeling like I am being hunted, not having control of my thoughts or my body...

It's been months since an episode.

It's been a month since my last panic attack.

So why am I not progressing to a point of happiness?

Why am I coping with stress by drinking and being intoxicated all night?

Why do I do this to myself?

I need help.

New job anxiety and a healthy environment!

This is what I posted to Facebook on July 7th:

During lunch I asked my immediate supervisor if I could have a short chat with her. She sat me down with her supervisor/my head supervisor as well (which is fine because they all acted concerned and was already sympathetic to what I was about to disclose).
I told them the condensed version of things. It was hard. I teared up, but I got through it. They were completely understanding. Not only that, but my supervisor also has experience with anxiety and panic attacks! So she told me to let her know if I needed anything at all.

Later on today, she came walking into my office area and startled me and apologized. I said it's okay, it wasn't a big deal and she insisted that she would be more aware of things! She also volunteered for us to do breathing exercises and meditations together if I got too anxious! I was working an intense spot at an orientation tomorrow, and she moved me to a position that would have less traffic and would feel safer (which I didn't ask for, but she insisted and I feel very relieved)!
So overall it went very well. My new office knows about my PTSD and panic disorder and everyone is being accommodating and understanding. 

Let me just say, since I've been working at my job EVERYONE has been loving and understanding. I have let my other secrets trickle out. "I am a vegetarian." My work has been super accommodating about that as well! "I am mixed race!" And they gush about how much they love my hair! Since I've been working here my anxiety has been way down! Nothing really triggers me at work. Here are the few things I have noticed about my work location:

1) Most of the rooms only have one exit. I keep going over emergency/escape plans in my head (fight, flight, or hide) and my brain cannot seem to feel really safe in many of these rooms. My office is also in the very back of the building. I literally either have to hide under my desk or break out through a window (a few stories high) and hope that the fall will be better than the enemy... Yeah, my brain is still trying to find a better solution but cannot.

2) I get scared out of my mind when someone sneaks up behind me, but I guess because they are new people to me, I try to contain the crazy as much as I can. So I jump in my skin and feel my heart rate pulse (and turn red!!) but I try my best not to scream at them. So... crazy is officially containable.

3) I've only cried once since I got to my new office (since July 15th) from something triggering. I've only had one mild panic attack (at work) since being here as well! Outside of work is still a different story...

I honestly believe this job is good for me. Slight pay and benefits cut, but the environment is healthy for me. If I can learn to control my symptoms, then I can survive almost any situation. This is a good training wheels for me to get over some of my anxiety. I just have to learn to feel safe in some of these no real exit rooms!!

Prolonged exposure at SDF

Thursday, June 29th, 2017. Almost 6 months since the incident. I was back at the airport.

It was on our calendar for a full week. I wasn't sure if this was something I was ready to do or not, but I didn't feel scared or nervous waiting for the day to come. It was an eerie calm. I felt ready to tackle it and see how far I could push myself.

I think I need people to tell me to stop pushing myself too far too fast.

I grabbed Erich from work at 4PM. We were supposed to meet at SDF at 4:30. Naturally, on the drive, we started talking about if either of us were nervous, and our feelings about the whole thing. He started describing some things: "I am glad the baggage claim doesn't have carpet. I remember the carpet vividly and hope to never see it again!"

That's when I remembered. Vividly. That's when it all tried to come back to me, and I tried to stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop the intense pain in my chest and the blurriness of the road in front of me. Where did my breath go?

I proceeded to have one of the most intense and powerful panic attacks I've had in months. Luckily we made it to the parking lot in time for it.

Our FBI Victim's Specialist meet us there in the parking lot. She was right on time. I composed myself and we went in. I did warn her of the earlier panic. She is very professional and handled it perfectly. I was able to stop shaking within 10 minutes of our initial meeting. We went inside. Unfortunately, from the parking garage to the inside of the airport, you go up the stairs from underground. Up the stairs, to the baggage claim... Yeah, that happened. We immediately continued on up to the main lobby of the airport and was only in that area briefly. My heart started to pound but nothing more than I could handle. We were there, literally, only seconds.

So we walked around the main lobby. We found the meditation room; which I had no idea existed. We sat there. We calmed ourselves. We felt good. I checked in with Erich. He was ready to go. The VS checked with both of us, we were ready- to explore other parts of the airport!

We walked to the ticketing area. Sat there by the stairs leading down to baggage claim. I eyed everyone who walked by. I know that sounds rude but I did. I had to look at their bags, look at their pockets, look at their faces to reassure myself that nothing was off about that person. A few kids ran by, and the announcements made us jump, but our anxiety levels were around a 3/4 the entire time.

We walked to the Comfy Cow - a local ice cream chain that happens to be in the airport - and decided to distract ourselves with a cool treat. That brought us back down to a 1. We then made our way down the stairs to the Tourist Kiosk, knowing that the claim area was feet from us. We looked at our shoes. No carpet. Believe it or not, knowing I didn't have to see carpet there was a huge relief. I tricked myself into believing I could do it. 

With the encouragement of each other and our VS, we inched into the area. A loud bag slammed behind us and we inched a little faster, then found a good pace. My feet looked fine on the ground. I could see a loose thread hanging off my clothing. But where were Erich's feet? I looked over. I saw the chairs next to the baggage carousals. Our VS was asking what my level was. My vision blurred again. My voice left me. Was I a 5? Was I a 9? I tried to stutter out the words. She asked 3 times. "Fi-five? M-m-maybe 6?" I looked up to Erich, and then to the carousals. 10. I was at a 10.

I lost it.

It all came back. The gun. The shooter. The man in the brown shoes. The red on the carpet. The feeling I was going to die. 

We were in the area for 3 minutes, but who knows how long it really was. When you are faced with these things, time has no relevance or meaning. You are in the past, present, and future all at the same time. I collapsed outside near the passenger pickup lane. My body was shaking. I couldn't breathe. I have no idea what my thoughts were. I was dying. All over again. 

I was down, on the ground, not knowing what would come next, and not knowing how long it had been. Eventually I started gaining more control. Our VS and Erich had been talking to me. Reminding me that I was safe. I started focusing on their voices and I came back.

Unfortunately, the way back to the garage was the way we came. I knew I couldn't step foot in the airport again. Not that day. A security officer guided us around to a street area (which had NO WALKING signs all around). She gave us permission, plus being with the FBI helped too, so we were able to get by without stepping back inside.

We got home. My mom came over to fix my hair up for the first day at my new job (That Friday)! Then the fireworks started. From Thursday until... I believe they are still going on tonight, I'm sure. Cue panic attacks for the following nights. How I made it through the first day of work, I have no idea.

Its like a dance! One step at a time

Proof that when you take a step back, you find a new path to go forward on.

My step back? I started the new season of Twin Peaks this weekend. Halfway through episode one, there was bang/pow music through a creepy woods. My anxiety spiked and I tried to push through it even though I felt the panic rising. It ended at a small cabin when a man steps out with a shotgun. I. Lost. It. I screamed, cried, panicked. It was awful. We stopped watching the episode.

So, still dealing with the triggers. No matter how minor.

But! The step forward! I did the dishes! Remember last time I did the dishes? That didn't happen this time. This is the first day in months that I've been able to do the dishes. I didn't cry. I didn't panic. It was like normal! I am so happy with myself I feel like I can do anything!

So sometimes there are set backs, but you got to recognize the step forwards too!

Treat Yo Self

I used to deny myself many things. A specialty coffee in the morning, a new pair of shoes, new clothes, two desserts. I always told myself, there is something better to spend my money on. By better, I meant more practical. Like gas, bills, groceries, car repairs, etc. I had buyers remorse every time I bought something for myself.

After having a sudden, and violent, life or death experience (and seeing terrorist attacks all over the news this month) it really puts life in perspective, and just how instantly it can end at any moment.

Life is short. There is no guarantee that you will make it to age 90, and even if you did 90 years is still a short time. I still can't believe I made it this far. I am shocked that Erich and I were both alive to see him turn 30. It almost didn't happen!

Lately, I've been treating myself. I've been treating myself to new shoes, coffee, chai, or tea several days a week. I've been on edge of quitting my crappy job since I got back. Life is too short to have to worry about bad bosses. Life is too short to continue to wear shoes that are tattered and falling apart. Life is too short not to treat yo self to even the smallest things that make you happy.

For a few months, that's what I keep telling myself.
I should go get that thing I want because, I could die tomorrow.
I should get Erich a very expensive birthday gift because I want his moments here to be as happy as they can be.
I should treat my neighbor to dinner every once in a while.
I shouldn't turn down that invite to a small reunion party.
I should help my friends pay for groceries.
I should give that homeless guy money.

I should do everything I can to make the world a better place for friends, family, future generations, strangers and myself. This is a positive that has come from a negative. I am just getting there, but I will continue to live life to the fullest as best as I can. Now, I am sipping on a delicious Beekeeper Iceberg from Heine Brothers at 9:00 AM because I deserve it!

And you deserve it too.

"Keep Going"

I went to a cabin by the lake this weekend. It was a short weekend trip with Family. My brother and his girlfriend arrived near the end of the trip. He came in to talk to me.

I told him about my struggles. I told him about how I am so depressed I cannot move. I told him that blogging almost every day really helped me for a while, but then I stopped. You know what he said? Just two small, but powerful words:

"Keep going."

I am trying. I am trying everyday to keep going on. I am trying to force myself to do better. I am trying to get out of bed earlier, do some chores, get out of the house, and keep blogging. I am trying so hard to keep going.

So forgive me that this blog entry is short, and that I haven't had a good blog entry in a while. Things are starting to look up. I am going to try to keep going....

...and I hope you keep going as well :)

Love, Friendship, and Family

I have to remind myself that I have to also post the positive stuff too. This weekend was full of positive stuff. Let me just say, I really needed a reminder of the good in my life. The love and friendship and family I have surrounding me. I really needed that this weekend.

I am so lucky to have so many supportive and understanding people in my life. To hug me when I need it. To stand next to me, ready to comfort me, as I head into an uncomfortable situation. To constantly check up on me in person, and from afar. To remind me of how far I have come, and telling me to be proud of myself, especially when I only seem to focus on the negatives.

Why me? Why am I so lucky to have so many great people in my life? How did I end up so lucky to surround myself with positive people who care about me? To remind me to have fun. To help me forget that I am in a crowd of people. To help me to remember to take time and look back and see that there is progress!

I am grateful for the love I have in other people. I am lucky to have this support system. I want to be able to repay them all some day.

If you are reading this, I love you. Because even reading this to try and understand me better, is a way to support me. Support comes in many different forms. I feel like I've experienced them all over the weekend. It pulled me out of the darkness I kept writing about. It made me laugh and smile and have fun. It made me open up to my mother and my husband about what was truly going on inside. It made me be vulnerable around my friends and family.

I was told a few weeks ago, that the "new normal" doesn't have to be a bad thing. It's just another thing. The new normal can be full of positives. I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become. I need to remember to keep pushing forward.

I got my peer support application. Hopefully my new normal includes helping other people out there like me. Wish me luck.

Friday Update... But on a Monday!

Okay so here is the update from my Doctor's appointment on Friday.

We started doing prolonged exposure again. We took a few breaks from it for various reasons: I was worried about Erich, one week, and she gave me tips to deal with him. She was out sick one week. I was sleep deprived another week and she told me to rest up. So basically... It was my first time in a long time doing exposure therapy. The last time I did it, I was a wreck the rest of the week. Cried all day, nightmares all night, panic attacks everywhere in-between. So I decided I should not drive myself to my appointment because it would be too much for me to handle driving home.

I was right. We started up prolonged exposure. We started it by reading the letter I wrote to Ann. It was short and to the point, but it still brought out a lot of emotion for me. As I was reading it I could see the scene again. It was like I could read the words but in my mind I was flashing back to her, and her husband, and her cries. I feel so connected to her, and I know she must not even remember me at all. She has become a part of my day, everyday. I hope she is doing well. I hope she is surrounded by loved ones. I hope she is finding happiness again. I would love to know how she is doing and be able to help her out, in any way I could.

Anyways, we started talking more about the incident. I told her I opened up, in person, to a few people, but not many at all. Like 3 people in total. I told her I started blogging everyday about things, like what happened, how I feel day to day, what PTSD is like. She was surprised. She said that it looks like I've been doing some prolonged exposure at home as well. That this blog is a form of exposing myself and making it the new normal. New Normal. Ugh. I guess I need to get used to it, that who I am now, and what happened to me, is now my new normal. Nothing will ever be like it once was.

I was a bit shaken up from that experience, but my anxiety was controllable, until I left her office. Then the tears came and I was visibly shaken. Lucky, I had a friend take me home, so I didn't have to drive, and I just did some self care at home.

Next time, she is going to make me close my eyes and take me through an imaginary scenario. From there, we are going to work and get me to the airport... the the baggage claim area... which makes my anxiety high.

Future Goals!

Here is something I am really dying to talk about. I mentioned searching for a sense of community; finding someone out there who experienced or is going through something similar to what I am. Most online support groups are impersonal, and most local support groups are geared towards Veterans- which they experience is completely different than mine. The recovery might be the same, but it doesn't feel the same to me, and I don't want to intrude on what they might find a "safe space." Not sure if that makes sense, but it makes sense to me in my head.

Anyway, I mentioned wanting to find someone to reach out to; to find support and to support others in a similar situation. I mentioned a shooting happening a week or so ago in Louisville, and how that there had to be someone who was there having similar symptoms as I am. How these attacks are coming up frequently and there are people who were put in my position and that I just know they might want to reach out to someone as well. I just know it, and I want to be there for them and we can help each other out.

She agreed. She pointed out that being able to help others is one of the "good" things to come out of this experience. She said that if I cannot find one, make one. Reach out to the local police department and see if there is an interest. Reach out to the local colleges and see if they have anything. Or just put out some feelers and start one on my own. I don't have to lead it, it could be group led. I absolutely love that idea so...

New Goals

Short Term: Exorcise 10 mins a day, 3 times a week (Doctor's orders). Go out in public, alone, with no support nearby. Find a support group or put out some feelers for one.
Long Term: Create a group, be a mentor to others who are in my shoes.

It's hard to keep these posts going

Nightmares haven't stopped. I am now on a medication called Prazosin. This is in addition to the Sertraline and Buspirone.

I've started taking my Setraline in the morning instead of at night. I am actually getting more sleep because of doing that! Not a full nights, but more than 2-3 hours. I went through a crazy temporary withdraw from switching it up though. I cried at E V E R Y T H I N G and my panic attacks came back in full force. I felt like I couldn't breath all day. Everything was setting me off. All from switching from taking that pill around 10-11PM and now taking it when I wake up in the morning... around 7-8AM. Those hours made a huge difference. Also made me scared to ever give up the medication.

Prazosin is now prescribed to keep the nightmares at bay. I was told by my doctor that this is what Vets, and other PTSD sufferers, are prescribed to keep the nightmares in control. If I could stop dreaming about shootings I would be in heaven. She said it isn't going to make them stop completely, but will keep my reaction to them under control. So no early morning panic attacks. Maybe making the nightmares lessen, and in some cases no memory of them at all. Heaven.

Erich is planning on opening up to Roberto. I am excited about that. Again, he flat out told me he didn't want to open up to me, for fear of triggering me. He came to the conclusion of opening up to Roberto on his own! Thank. God. He has been officially diagnosed with depression... again. He turned down medication for it, which isn't wise. I told him at his next appointment he needs to get on something. All I can be is a good example to him, and show him how the medication is helping me.  I will stop nagging him about medication, and he seems to have come to the conclusion that he needs to take his current medication as directed! Hopefully when he opens up to a friend, they will encourage him to do the same.

My session with my doctor was only 30 minutes on Friday. She didn't want to continue it since my lack of sleep was obvious. Also I forgot to bring my letters and stuff. She said we can continue prolonged exposure therapy this Friday. She also said that she is impressed at the way I handled Erich's outburst and how well I am progressing so far. She makes it seem like it's a BIG improvement, so I guess I should be proud of myself for that. She thinks we can start spacing out our appointments. So that's another good thing.

Had a relaxing weekend away from home. Went to Patoka Lake with Erich and my Family (Marcus, Kelly, Kristen, Beau, Alysha, Liam, Lilly, Becca, Anthony, and Mom). Whoa, full house! Here are the few pictures I took.

Erich at the lake 

Patoka Lake in Indiana

My niece Lilly

Enjoying the hot tub on a cool morning

It's Working!

Now for a positive entry!

The medicine has to be working! First thing I started to notice... My sense of humor has returned! I've been cracking jokes on people left and right. Also, could I be any more sarcastic? Seriously. My sarcasm is at an all time high. I am laughing again!! It feels great :)

Second thing I am noticing, noise are not bothering me as much as they should. I still recognize loud noises but unless it's very loud (a scream, a clap in my ear, fireworks) I don't really jump. Maybe still flinch and the occasional audible gasp, but I am not triggered into a panic attack (Yay)!

Another thing... My vocabulary and spelling is improving. THANK GOD. It was elementary!! I was confusing hear and here and her a little too much for my liking. Like the basic spelling of things so basic... It just wasn't working out for me. So some signs of brain function!

I haven't had a panic attack in a few days (minus the occasional early morning ones). But like, it's not disrupting my day or activity or anything. It's literally just in the wee hours of the morning (right now).

I am trying to get focused and start doing activities. For example, I would come home from work and then go straight to bed and lay there the rest of the night until I had to get up for work. Now I challenge myself to stay up. I started baking and making dinner again. Chores too! Just gotta keep pushing myself into a better routine, no matter if I don't feel like doing it or not.

I wont' talk about the negatives right now. I need to stay focused on the positives. My life isn't doom and gloom all the time. I need to remind myself of that. 

SHORT TERM GOALS:

I want to continue to bake.

I need to get out of the house at least 3 days a week, and go from there.

I need to start exorcising and watching what I eat again

Continue to write often and improve my vocabulary.

Find a new job!

Make it into the movie theater again.

LONG TERM GOALS:

Make it into the movie theater again. (Kendra told me to put this on the short term goals, but just in case...)

Challenge myself with something thrilling (roller-coaster? scary movie? something...)

Start reading books again! I have to get back into reading books! I miss them! This might be a short term goal... oh well, we'll see :)

VERY LONG TERM GOALS:
View an airport baggage claim.
Look at a gun.
Listen to gun shots or fireworks.