I'm Still Here

It's been over a year since my last post. I am not sure what kept me going but I found myself continuing to fight for what was left of the rest of my life.

I read back over a few of my posts and so much has changed. I have put so much behind me, carried so much with me, and got in my own way more than once.

This Friday, December 7th, 2018 I will complete my Master's program. Four days later on Tuesday, December 11th, 2018 I will turn 30 years old.

There is a call for celebration. A call for moving past the trauma and completing some goals. There is a reason to be happy.

I am happy. I truly am. And through it all the one thing I keep whispering to myself - to one of my ghosts - is that I hope I am doing right by my life. Living it in a way that shows that I deserved to live.

I don't feel I deserved to live but I hope that I can do some good with my life.

Already, 2019 is approaching. I am hoping I can bring this blog back to it's roots. I will have a fresh start with my writing and ideas. I hope to have an opportunity to put more good back in the world.

https://themighty.com/2017/11/experience-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=PTSD_Page

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map/

Too similar

http://www.news.com.au/world/north-america/shooting-at-texas-baptist-church-in-sutherland-springs-as-police-report-multiple-victims-of-active-gunman/news-story/6ccfe98092c62d2c263ca983df006c57

Omens

I woke up from a nightmare today.

Got up and was ready for work while Erich was still sleeping soundly.

He woke up and I knew I needed to get into bed and snuggle with him one last time before leaving. Work was not as important as these times I spend with him. I know that.

As I am driving to work, a 911 Emergency Management Agency vehicle drove in front of my stopped car. It caught my eye in an unusual way. A few moments later I found myself behind that car. Starting at the words: Emergency Management Agency "Call 911." I was in a daze following this car until it pulled off.

On the highway I saw flashing blue lights from the airport. It has never disturbed me before, and now it's flashing in my side view mirror and rear view mirror. It eventually vanishes as I progress.

Then it hits me. A giant Bill Board. The words STAY SAFE are huge. It's a tire add that says "Stay Safe with Winter Tires." But the words STAY SAFE are burning into my mind. I start to look back at the omens from the airport. I try to write it off as a coincidence but then I look over to the truck next to me which says "SAFETY IS REAL." All Caps. Bold font. Across the top of the truck head, as the bed was gone. I feel my breath shorten.

"Life and Death" by the Dear Hunter starts playing on my radio. I am having trouble breathing.

I pull into the parking lot of my work. It only takes me 10-15 minutes to get here in the morning. I compose myself. I walk in to my office, next to a trampoline park. I am always greeted by their door first, but my eyes fixate on a detail that it normally doesn't fixate on when I see their door. In the corner of the door "No Weapons Allowed."

This could all be nothing. I listen to that song by the dear hunter often. Maybe I look at the tire ad frequently, and the truck was a coincidence. I know I have seen the trampoline sign before but because of everything else my mind decided to lock in on it. Maybe I do see the blue lights at the airport flashing but just never notice it. And there are some days where I have nightmares and want to get extra snuggles in.

Maybe, it's all a coincidence.

But on January 6, I didn't take the warnings seriously, and I am now convinced they were omens that I just wrote off. I don't ever want to write off that again.

All cried out

The last three nights I've cried myself to sleep. I walk in the door after work and start crying for hours until I cry myself to sleep.

Today I cried all day from the moment I woke up, until I finished my homework assignment.

I cried hard at work.

I cried to my new therapist (first time with her).

I cried into my homework.

Crying is supposed to release endorphins that make you feel better.

I will always be rooted to the airport. Gun violence will always force me back there.

I have more tears to shed but it's more than I can bare these days.

My heart has been broken all over again.

Sinking

I feel like I am drowning myself.
Tying anchors to my body, and still struggling to swim up.
When I almost make it to the surface, the feelings return.
I tie more weights to my body to keep me from reaching the top.
I am drowning myself,
For the struggle keeps me distracted.

Time for a positive

It's been a while since my last panic attack. Could be due to me avoiding triggers, and also not being as triggered in my every day life. Could also be that my medication of Sertraline was increased to the maximum (200mg).

I am getting better. I know I am.

But I am so depressed...

I wish I had insight to share. I do not. Sometimes improving still means being released from one place and getting stuck in a different place with different symptoms. I was reflecting back on my serious ASD/PTSD episodes. Flashing back, feeling like I am being hunted, not having control of my thoughts or my body...

It's been months since an episode.

It's been a month since my last panic attack.

So why am I not progressing to a point of happiness?

Why am I coping with stress by drinking and being intoxicated all night?

Why do I do this to myself?

I need help.

Netflix

Bojack Horseman season 4 episode 5.

Orange is the New Black season 5, episode 1

Meltdown

Had a meltdown yesterday.

My mom came over and talked with me. I told her I needed her.
I unloaded everything I wanted to unload to my therapist:

• I want to quit my Master's program
• My house is in disarray 
• I do not want to celebrate Halloween - I feel empty
• I don't know if I want to live anymore.

She held me. I cried. She made me do yard work. I cried. She gave me advice. I cried. But somehow, after all of it was out in the open. I felt a huge relief. She encouraged me to keep going with my Master's degree, to find things to keep my mind occupied, and to keep living. 

So, the big news is that I am continuing my Master's degree. Although I feel like I have ADHD with my anxiety and cognitive issues, I am still powering through these VERY hard classes. I just need to find things to keep my mind occupied. If my mind is occupied, my thoughts will not wonder to any negative areas.

Appointment today

Talking points:

I need to see  her more frequently or longer than these 30 minute sessions. It feel myself regressing with her schedule change.

I might have to quit my Master's program. I can't handle the stress. Too much stress. I am a failure.

I am actively avoiding almost everything causing stress. Avoidance is the number one thing I should NOT be doing, and yet... I cannot even look at Halloween decorations or watch things that are violent.

A sub-point of avoidance: I am avoiding my family.

Depression/suicidal thoughts are coming back. I get triggered by thinking I am dying, by feeling the pressure of a gun because someone is behind me, but now instead of fear, I just don't care.

I don't care about any of it.

UPDATE: She cancelled my appointment... Again... And I really needed her this time.

When the porcelain breaks, you either fix it or toss it

Words cannot express the dire state I've been living in since I woke up and noticed it was September 1st.

Usually, by the time it's July, I am already planning Halloween. Movies, parties, costumes, what treats to give out, haunted houses and hay rides... The list goes on.

Halloween was the single greatest time of the year. I would save up to splurge on decorations, baking themes, and any thing else relating to the holiday. I wanted to have the best decorated house. My party was the party. I wanted to be the cool house with the full size candy bars and the best house to visit. It was my day.

It's September 1st. I should be drinking pumpkin spice lattes, putting the final touches on my costume. Setting up the days to go to haunted houses and starting the two month horror movie marathon. I can't even look at the costumes hanging up in stores. I don't want to put up any decorations. I don't want to see kids roaming the streets. I have a new aversion to pumpkins. None of it seems fun.

In place of smiling kids, roaming in costumes having fun, I only see dangers. They could get kidnapped, poisoned, murdered or worse - they could do that to me. The marathon are now panic attacks waiting to happen; jump scares, guns, danger... I can barely think of it. And the darkness... All I can think about is how dark the night will be on Halloween...

I just can't... I hate to admit it, and it breaks my heart to say it, but I can't do Halloween. I am considering finding a hotel or cabin to retreat to. No decorations, no horrors, and no strangers.

I was supposed to better by now. You weren't supposed to take away my one day a year. But you did. You've made all the thing I used to love terrifying.

I need to see my psychiatrist soon. I'm falling into that deep pit if depression again. Living as the person I am right now, doesn't seem worth it. I just want me back.

But she died.

Haunted and hunted

The shooter is back in my dreams. I can't sleep at all. I wake up with a migraine. This has been going on for 2 weeks. I cannot escape him. He is continuing to hunt me. To haunt me. I cannot escape my ghost...

An Open Letter to Survivors

This is a video from the Rebels Project. They are here for you. I am here for you.



I relate to every word. If you read my blog, you KNOW I relate to every word. I am glad I found a community that actually live, breathe and UNDERSTANDS!

Pushing myself too hard?

I am trying. I am trying so hard to be better again. I might be trying too hard.

I am walking into work almost 2 hours early today because I couldn't sleep. The nightmares are back. I couldn't go back to sleep. Every time I woke up from one, I put on one of my Calm app Sleep Stories and it would put me back to sleep, and insert me into danger. I just couldn't risk that again.

I am working 9-12 hour days. It's stressful, even though I love my job. I am also starting classes soon. Decided to try and get a Master's in Social Work so I can be better equip to help others out there like me... I just wonder if it's too much too soon.

I am sitting here, at my desk, with an anxiety level at about a 7, verge or tears, because I just don't know how well I can deal with the day today...

But, I don't want to disappoint people by not trying.

I am trying to find purpose and meaning...

but I am failing.

I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. My new job, although it's a great environment and I love being here, has been draining. By the time I go home, I too drained to do anything else. My goal list has been kaput.

I have no energy to waste on exposure therapy.
I have no energy to waste on chores.
I have no energy to waste on my husband (and I know he is starting to feel it).

I have no energy at all.

I have all these other special projects that I want to get to, and I just can't.
I bought a mini-journal - 52 list project - to help me get back on track with writing and finding the good in the day/week/world, and I haven't been able to touch it yet.
I signed up for the Crisis text line, got approved, and this was the first week of training... I have two days to do it before I get kicked off :( I want to try it but, again, no energy.
I have special projects from work that I was supposed to do last weekend, that has been asked for me to produce yesterday, and... it's not done.

NOTHING IS DONE.

My last session with my therapist was short. She started a new schedule and my appointment was 30 minutes long. I got out all the stuff I felt was important from over the last month, and got no therapy. It felt like it anyway. I left her office for the first time feeling like nothing was accomplished. I know I can schedule more frequent visits, but I just don't have it in me right now to do that.

I don't know if I will ever get back to feeling complete. To have energy to DO stuff after work. To have energy to BE with my husband, instead of just existing next to him. I don't know why I am existing now. I don't know why I am alive.

I am just wasting space.

"Officers mishandled fort lauderdale airport shooting leading to chaos"

Article

I have no idea why I am alive...

Flying...

My co-worker is going to California. Brand new recruit. She started the same day as me! They were talking about flights, hotels, and car rental. She gets to go to our new campus in sunny California.

They didn't even ask me.
They know better than to ask me.
I wouldn't be able to go if they asked me.

But the jealousy is there.

...I wish I could go too.

Fight, Flight, or Hide

Today I took a long exploratory walk around my new office building. 

I looked at every nook and cranny. Opened all the unlocked doors and noted the locked ones. Throughout my survey of the space, I noticed that there are not many hiding places. Many of the classrooms are wide open spaces with tables and chairs; no place to hide behind or under. There was only one class room that had potential for escape, and it had two entrances/exits to it. Still, wouldn't count on it in a pinch. 

The Instructor office some hiding potential, only because I told myself to really check everywhere in there, and forgot to check a few places. I was seriously looking for hiding spots and, even noting a few to check on, I still didn't bother to check in those spots. I believe the layout of that space is probably good enough to look through quickly, but no reason to thorough check hiding spots unless there is a reason to.

Some class rooms have windows, but nothing in the rooms to really break the window. The chairs seem flimsy and there was nothing very heavy to throw at the glass. Also, we are about 2 or 3 stories high, and nothing but concrete below. Nothing to throw out to cushion the fall. Windows for escape would definitely need muscle and you would have to execute the landing perfectly. 

There are several ways out of the space, but only two lead out of the building completely. One is an emergency exit near the back of the building, one is near my office, down a hall to the back entrance to our space. These are the most likely ways to exit. There is also an exit in the back that leads to a utility room and up to the roof. That might be a great way to go if all else fails, but we would still be stuck on the roof. The other exit is through the front of the office, to the lobby of the building. That is risky as there is a lot of open space and large glass windows, but it is an exit.

Conclusion:

If anything happens, I should take an exit nearest to me. I shouldn't risk hiding, as I would be found instantly. If the exits are blocked, I should try a window escape and hope for the best. It's survivable, but I might not get very far based on the height and landing on concrete. The last thing I should do is hide, and if I have no choice but to hide, I should hope that I can make my way to the instructor's office, or just get under a desk and hope for the best.

I honestly want to believe I would be able to fight my way out, but armed with only pepper spray, it seems unlikely. So I have to hope that maybe one of the many gun enthusiast in my office feel better about taking on a situation like that. 

This is how my break today was spent.

Remembering Aurora

It's the anniversary of the Aurora movie theater shooting...
I stayed up all night thinking about it. Hoping that those survivors and those hurting find peace today.

My co-worker got threatened today on the road. A man said he was going to shoot her. She was telling the story.

I had a panic attack...

I am still recovering from it even now.


But they are warm and understanding.