All cried out

The last three nights I've cried myself to sleep. I walk in the door after work and start crying for hours until I cry myself to sleep.

Today I cried all day from the moment I woke up, until I finished my homework assignment.

I cried hard at work.

I cried to my new therapist (first time with her).

I cried into my homework.

Crying is supposed to release endorphins that make you feel better.

I will always be rooted to the airport. Gun violence will always force me back there.

I have more tears to shed but it's more than I can bare these days.

My heart has been broken all over again.

Sinking

I feel like I am drowning myself.
Tying anchors to my body, and still struggling to swim up.
When I almost make it to the surface, the feelings return.
I tie more weights to my body to keep me from reaching the top.
I am drowning myself,
For the struggle keeps me distracted.

Time for a positive

It's been a while since my last panic attack. Could be due to me avoiding triggers, and also not being as triggered in my every day life. Could also be that my medication of Sertraline was increased to the maximum (200mg).

I am getting better. I know I am.

But I am so depressed...

I wish I had insight to share. I do not. Sometimes improving still means being released from one place and getting stuck in a different place with different symptoms. I was reflecting back on my serious ASD/PTSD episodes. Flashing back, feeling like I am being hunted, not having control of my thoughts or my body...

It's been months since an episode.

It's been a month since my last panic attack.

So why am I not progressing to a point of happiness?

Why am I coping with stress by drinking and being intoxicated all night?

Why do I do this to myself?

I need help.

Netflix

Bojack Horseman season 4 episode 5.

Orange is the New Black season 5, episode 1

Meltdown

Had a meltdown yesterday.

My mom came over and talked with me. I told her I needed her.
I unloaded everything I wanted to unload to my therapist:

• I want to quit my Master's program
• My house is in disarray 
• I do not want to celebrate Halloween - I feel empty
• I don't know if I want to live anymore.

She held me. I cried. She made me do yard work. I cried. She gave me advice. I cried. But somehow, after all of it was out in the open. I felt a huge relief. She encouraged me to keep going with my Master's degree, to find things to keep my mind occupied, and to keep living. 

So, the big news is that I am continuing my Master's degree. Although I feel like I have ADHD with my anxiety and cognitive issues, I am still powering through these VERY hard classes. I just need to find things to keep my mind occupied. If my mind is occupied, my thoughts will not wonder to any negative areas.

Appointment today

Talking points:

I need to see  her more frequently or longer than these 30 minute sessions. It feel myself regressing with her schedule change.

I might have to quit my Master's program. I can't handle the stress. Too much stress. I am a failure.

I am actively avoiding almost everything causing stress. Avoidance is the number one thing I should NOT be doing, and yet... I cannot even look at Halloween decorations or watch things that are violent.

A sub-point of avoidance: I am avoiding my family.

Depression/suicidal thoughts are coming back. I get triggered by thinking I am dying, by feeling the pressure of a gun because someone is behind me, but now instead of fear, I just don't care.

I don't care about any of it.

UPDATE: She cancelled my appointment... Again... And I really needed her this time.

When the porcelain breaks, you either fix it or toss it

Words cannot express the dire state I've been living in since I woke up and noticed it was September 1st.

Usually, by the time it's July, I am already planning Halloween. Movies, parties, costumes, what treats to give out, haunted houses and hay rides... The list goes on.

Halloween was the single greatest time of the year. I would save up to splurge on decorations, baking themes, and any thing else relating to the holiday. I wanted to have the best decorated house. My party was the party. I wanted to be the cool house with the full size candy bars and the best house to visit. It was my day.

It's September 1st. I should be drinking pumpkin spice lattes, putting the final touches on my costume. Setting up the days to go to haunted houses and starting the two month horror movie marathon. I can't even look at the costumes hanging up in stores. I don't want to put up any decorations. I don't want to see kids roaming the streets. I have a new aversion to pumpkins. None of it seems fun.

In place of smiling kids, roaming in costumes having fun, I only see dangers. They could get kidnapped, poisoned, murdered or worse - they could do that to me. The marathon are now panic attacks waiting to happen; jump scares, guns, danger... I can barely think of it. And the darkness... All I can think about is how dark the night will be on Halloween...

I just can't... I hate to admit it, and it breaks my heart to say it, but I can't do Halloween. I am considering finding a hotel or cabin to retreat to. No decorations, no horrors, and no strangers.

I was supposed to better by now. You weren't supposed to take away my one day a year. But you did. You've made all the thing I used to love terrifying.

I need to see my psychiatrist soon. I'm falling into that deep pit if depression again. Living as the person I am right now, doesn't seem worth it. I just want me back.

But she died.

Haunted and hunted

The shooter is back in my dreams. I can't sleep at all. I wake up with a migraine. This has been going on for 2 weeks. I cannot escape him. He is continuing to hunt me. To haunt me. I cannot escape my ghost...

An Open Letter to Survivors

This is a video from the Rebels Project. They are here for you. I am here for you.



I relate to every word. If you read my blog, you KNOW I relate to every word. I am glad I found a community that actually live, breathe and UNDERSTANDS!

Pushing myself too hard?

I am trying. I am trying so hard to be better again. I might be trying too hard.

I am walking into work almost 2 hours early today because I couldn't sleep. The nightmares are back. I couldn't go back to sleep. Every time I woke up from one, I put on one of my Calm app Sleep Stories and it would put me back to sleep, and insert me into danger. I just couldn't risk that again.

I am working 9-12 hour days. It's stressful, even though I love my job. I am also starting classes soon. Decided to try and get a Master's in Social Work so I can be better equip to help others out there like me... I just wonder if it's too much too soon.

I am sitting here, at my desk, with an anxiety level at about a 7, verge or tears, because I just don't know how well I can deal with the day today...

But, I don't want to disappoint people by not trying.

I am trying to find purpose and meaning...

but I am failing.

I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. My new job, although it's a great environment and I love being here, has been draining. By the time I go home, I too drained to do anything else. My goal list has been kaput.

I have no energy to waste on exposure therapy.
I have no energy to waste on chores.
I have no energy to waste on my husband (and I know he is starting to feel it).

I have no energy at all.

I have all these other special projects that I want to get to, and I just can't.
I bought a mini-journal - 52 list project - to help me get back on track with writing and finding the good in the day/week/world, and I haven't been able to touch it yet.
I signed up for the Crisis text line, got approved, and this was the first week of training... I have two days to do it before I get kicked off :( I want to try it but, again, no energy.
I have special projects from work that I was supposed to do last weekend, that has been asked for me to produce yesterday, and... it's not done.

NOTHING IS DONE.

My last session with my therapist was short. She started a new schedule and my appointment was 30 minutes long. I got out all the stuff I felt was important from over the last month, and got no therapy. It felt like it anyway. I left her office for the first time feeling like nothing was accomplished. I know I can schedule more frequent visits, but I just don't have it in me right now to do that.

I don't know if I will ever get back to feeling complete. To have energy to DO stuff after work. To have energy to BE with my husband, instead of just existing next to him. I don't know why I am existing now. I don't know why I am alive.

I am just wasting space.

"Officers mishandled fort lauderdale airport shooting leading to chaos"

Article

I have no idea why I am alive...

Flying...

My co-worker is going to California. Brand new recruit. She started the same day as me! They were talking about flights, hotels, and car rental. She gets to go to our new campus in sunny California.

They didn't even ask me.
They know better than to ask me.
I wouldn't be able to go if they asked me.

But the jealousy is there.

...I wish I could go too.

Fight, Flight, or Hide

Today I took a long exploratory walk around my new office building. 

I looked at every nook and cranny. Opened all the unlocked doors and noted the locked ones. Throughout my survey of the space, I noticed that there are not many hiding places. Many of the classrooms are wide open spaces with tables and chairs; no place to hide behind or under. There was only one class room that had potential for escape, and it had two entrances/exits to it. Still, wouldn't count on it in a pinch. 

The Instructor office some hiding potential, only because I told myself to really check everywhere in there, and forgot to check a few places. I was seriously looking for hiding spots and, even noting a few to check on, I still didn't bother to check in those spots. I believe the layout of that space is probably good enough to look through quickly, but no reason to thorough check hiding spots unless there is a reason to.

Some class rooms have windows, but nothing in the rooms to really break the window. The chairs seem flimsy and there was nothing very heavy to throw at the glass. Also, we are about 2 or 3 stories high, and nothing but concrete below. Nothing to throw out to cushion the fall. Windows for escape would definitely need muscle and you would have to execute the landing perfectly. 

There are several ways out of the space, but only two lead out of the building completely. One is an emergency exit near the back of the building, one is near my office, down a hall to the back entrance to our space. These are the most likely ways to exit. There is also an exit in the back that leads to a utility room and up to the roof. That might be a great way to go if all else fails, but we would still be stuck on the roof. The other exit is through the front of the office, to the lobby of the building. That is risky as there is a lot of open space and large glass windows, but it is an exit.

Conclusion:

If anything happens, I should take an exit nearest to me. I shouldn't risk hiding, as I would be found instantly. If the exits are blocked, I should try a window escape and hope for the best. It's survivable, but I might not get very far based on the height and landing on concrete. The last thing I should do is hide, and if I have no choice but to hide, I should hope that I can make my way to the instructor's office, or just get under a desk and hope for the best.

I honestly want to believe I would be able to fight my way out, but armed with only pepper spray, it seems unlikely. So I have to hope that maybe one of the many gun enthusiast in my office feel better about taking on a situation like that. 

This is how my break today was spent.

Remembering Aurora

It's the anniversary of the Aurora movie theater shooting...
I stayed up all night thinking about it. Hoping that those survivors and those hurting find peace today.

My co-worker got threatened today on the road. A man said he was going to shoot her. She was telling the story.

I had a panic attack...

I am still recovering from it even now.


But they are warm and understanding.

New job anxiety and a healthy environment!

This is what I posted to Facebook on July 7th:

During lunch I asked my immediate supervisor if I could have a short chat with her. She sat me down with her supervisor/my head supervisor as well (which is fine because they all acted concerned and was already sympathetic to what I was about to disclose).
I told them the condensed version of things. It was hard. I teared up, but I got through it. They were completely understanding. Not only that, but my supervisor also has experience with anxiety and panic attacks! So she told me to let her know if I needed anything at all.

Later on today, she came walking into my office area and startled me and apologized. I said it's okay, it wasn't a big deal and she insisted that she would be more aware of things! She also volunteered for us to do breathing exercises and meditations together if I got too anxious! I was working an intense spot at an orientation tomorrow, and she moved me to a position that would have less traffic and would feel safer (which I didn't ask for, but she insisted and I feel very relieved)!
So overall it went very well. My new office knows about my PTSD and panic disorder and everyone is being accommodating and understanding. 

Let me just say, since I've been working at my job EVERYONE has been loving and understanding. I have let my other secrets trickle out. "I am a vegetarian." My work has been super accommodating about that as well! "I am mixed race!" And they gush about how much they love my hair! Since I've been working here my anxiety has been way down! Nothing really triggers me at work. Here are the few things I have noticed about my work location:

1) Most of the rooms only have one exit. I keep going over emergency/escape plans in my head (fight, flight, or hide) and my brain cannot seem to feel really safe in many of these rooms. My office is also in the very back of the building. I literally either have to hide under my desk or break out through a window (a few stories high) and hope that the fall will be better than the enemy... Yeah, my brain is still trying to find a better solution but cannot.

2) I get scared out of my mind when someone sneaks up behind me, but I guess because they are new people to me, I try to contain the crazy as much as I can. So I jump in my skin and feel my heart rate pulse (and turn red!!) but I try my best not to scream at them. So... crazy is officially containable.

3) I've only cried once since I got to my new office (since July 15th) from something triggering. I've only had one mild panic attack (at work) since being here as well! Outside of work is still a different story...

I honestly believe this job is good for me. Slight pay and benefits cut, but the environment is healthy for me. If I can learn to control my symptoms, then I can survive almost any situation. This is a good training wheels for me to get over some of my anxiety. I just have to learn to feel safe in some of these no real exit rooms!!

Fireworks and PTSD

I went to bed at 10, which is a bit early for me. Woke up at 12 literally thinking there was a shooting on our street. Loud screams and several bangs.

I flipped out. I was convinced it was a shooting. The shrieks and shrills were coming from kids and adults before and after each bang.

I looked out the window and saw people with their flashlights, giggling, about to light the next firework.

I put on my headphones and cry myself back to sleep.

It's official. I left a major part of my soul at that airport. I had hope I would eventually be whole again. But tonight reassured me that I will never have that piece of myself again.

All my life I've loved film. I love going to the movies. I love making movies.

I no longer love it. Being in the theater is so painful. The one thing that made me unique; that made me really stand out... It's gone forever.

I don't ever want to go into a movie theater again

Fireworks

July 4th, The United States of America celebrated it's Independence Day. July 4th was 6 Days ago.

Tell me why fireworks started going off at June 28th.
Tell me why they have been going off every day since July 4th.
Tell me why they were still going off yesterday night!

Fireworks make me jump out of my skin. I can not fully crawl back in my skin until they stop going off for the night.

For two weeks I've been jumpy, I've cried, and I've panicked.

Please for the love of all things good in the world, let last night be the last night.

The noise cancelling headphones can only cancel so much :(

Prolonged exposure at SDF

Thursday, June 29th, 2017. Almost 6 months since the incident. I was back at the airport.

It was on our calendar for a full week. I wasn't sure if this was something I was ready to do or not, but I didn't feel scared or nervous waiting for the day to come. It was an eerie calm. I felt ready to tackle it and see how far I could push myself.

I think I need people to tell me to stop pushing myself too far too fast.

I grabbed Erich from work at 4PM. We were supposed to meet at SDF at 4:30. Naturally, on the drive, we started talking about if either of us were nervous, and our feelings about the whole thing. He started describing some things: "I am glad the baggage claim doesn't have carpet. I remember the carpet vividly and hope to never see it again!"

That's when I remembered. Vividly. That's when it all tried to come back to me, and I tried to stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop the intense pain in my chest and the blurriness of the road in front of me. Where did my breath go?

I proceeded to have one of the most intense and powerful panic attacks I've had in months. Luckily we made it to the parking lot in time for it.

Our FBI Victim's Specialist meet us there in the parking lot. She was right on time. I composed myself and we went in. I did warn her of the earlier panic. She is very professional and handled it perfectly. I was able to stop shaking within 10 minutes of our initial meeting. We went inside. Unfortunately, from the parking garage to the inside of the airport, you go up the stairs from underground. Up the stairs, to the baggage claim... Yeah, that happened. We immediately continued on up to the main lobby of the airport and was only in that area briefly. My heart started to pound but nothing more than I could handle. We were there, literally, only seconds.

So we walked around the main lobby. We found the meditation room; which I had no idea existed. We sat there. We calmed ourselves. We felt good. I checked in with Erich. He was ready to go. The VS checked with both of us, we were ready- to explore other parts of the airport!

We walked to the ticketing area. Sat there by the stairs leading down to baggage claim. I eyed everyone who walked by. I know that sounds rude but I did. I had to look at their bags, look at their pockets, look at their faces to reassure myself that nothing was off about that person. A few kids ran by, and the announcements made us jump, but our anxiety levels were around a 3/4 the entire time.

We walked to the Comfy Cow - a local ice cream chain that happens to be in the airport - and decided to distract ourselves with a cool treat. That brought us back down to a 1. We then made our way down the stairs to the Tourist Kiosk, knowing that the claim area was feet from us. We looked at our shoes. No carpet. Believe it or not, knowing I didn't have to see carpet there was a huge relief. I tricked myself into believing I could do it. 

With the encouragement of each other and our VS, we inched into the area. A loud bag slammed behind us and we inched a little faster, then found a good pace. My feet looked fine on the ground. I could see a loose thread hanging off my clothing. But where were Erich's feet? I looked over. I saw the chairs next to the baggage carousals. Our VS was asking what my level was. My vision blurred again. My voice left me. Was I a 5? Was I a 9? I tried to stutter out the words. She asked 3 times. "Fi-five? M-m-maybe 6?" I looked up to Erich, and then to the carousals. 10. I was at a 10.

I lost it.

It all came back. The gun. The shooter. The man in the brown shoes. The red on the carpet. The feeling I was going to die. 

We were in the area for 3 minutes, but who knows how long it really was. When you are faced with these things, time has no relevance or meaning. You are in the past, present, and future all at the same time. I collapsed outside near the passenger pickup lane. My body was shaking. I couldn't breathe. I have no idea what my thoughts were. I was dying. All over again. 

I was down, on the ground, not knowing what would come next, and not knowing how long it had been. Eventually I started gaining more control. Our VS and Erich had been talking to me. Reminding me that I was safe. I started focusing on their voices and I came back.

Unfortunately, the way back to the garage was the way we came. I knew I couldn't step foot in the airport again. Not that day. A security officer guided us around to a street area (which had NO WALKING signs all around). She gave us permission, plus being with the FBI helped too, so we were able to get by without stepping back inside.

We got home. My mom came over to fix my hair up for the first day at my new job (That Friday)! Then the fireworks started. From Thursday until... I believe they are still going on tonight, I'm sure. Cue panic attacks for the following nights. How I made it through the first day of work, I have no idea.