BuSpar is supposed to help with anxiety and minimizing panic attacks. Setraline is supposed to help PTSD, anxiety, panic disorder and depression. Yep. That's my life right now. Crying fits, panic attacks, anxiety and PTSD. Whoopee.
So when I first started the BuSpar, I got the worst headaches and I was constantly tired. I think I slept through the first few days on it. I was also taking it often to deal with the stress of returning to work. Sometimes I took it three times a day, which is the maximum I was allowed to take it. It seemed like it kept my calm for the most part, but honestly, I was still having way too many panic attacks while at work for my liking. I had to take breaks and lay down or cry to start feeling better while at work.
Eventually I started getting used to the BuSpar. I still get tired if I take them too close together or more than twice a day, but over all I think it works pretty well. I take it about 30 minutes or so before throwing myself in a stressful situation and I usually don't panic until much later.
I think that just now (March 14th 2017) that the Setraline is kicking in. I feel my crying fits are shorter and come less frequently and my panic/anxiety is lower than normal. I did recently increase my dosage. I was at first on a low dosage but I had to increase it too weeks ago because I just wasn't feeling it. Now I feel it. I feel almost normal? I mean, still anxious and loud noises still bother me, but I don't wake up to a panic attack anymore. I wake up fine. There hasn't been an opportunity for another PTSD meltdown so I guess only time will tell to see how I handle that stuff.
My mind is also starting to get clearer. I can think again! That sounds weird, I know, but I wasn't thinking clearly, I wasn't remembering things, and my panicked brain was seeing the world differently and not correctly. I will go more into detail about that in my next entry.
So here is how I am feeling now, about two months on both medications. I feel weird. It's better, but I don't feel like myself. I understand why people think they are better without medication and that they feel almost robotic, because I can relate. It's like I don't feel anxious or scared at all times; the physical symptoms are gone, but my brain isn't all there yet. I recognize I should panic or hide or do any of my safety net things, but my body doesn't want to. When my body doesn't want to, I get the signals to my brain saying "Hey, we're alright, nothing bad is going to happen," and then the moment passes.
I guess sometimes I want to panic though. I want to cry and feel these things. It's tempting to go off the medication. Like super tempting just because the urge to feel those things are there, but I know I can't. I know I need the medication to get better. I feel like if I don't feel miserable then those people who died, or who had loved ones die, or were injured, or cannot afford help like I can... They are suffering. They are suffering worse than I am. I don't deserve to be happy and feel normal until they can be happy and feel normal. I need to suffer to remember.
With that though, I guess I fear going off the medications too. I know I don't want to be on them forever, but I also kind of do. It makes me robotic. These little pills are controlling my actions and how I think. It's a good thing, deep down I know it is. I fear that if I go off of it, the chaos will return. The fear of leaving my house, of strangers, of constantly looking over my shoulder, the episodes returning. Most of all I fear doing something more permanent to myself if I were to stop taking it. Don't make me say what.
So all of this is going on and much more. I guess only time will tell but I am trying to stay optimistic. I am working weekly with my psychiatrist to keep me on the right track and to get me back to normal. So no need to worry about me. I am dealing with all these confusing thoughts with her. I just have a ways to go.
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