Cognitive Distortion

This is an article about Cognitive Distortion that was given to me.

This is what Cognitive Distortion feels like - referencing the first time I tried to grocery shop with my husband:

As soon as I walked into the store my heart started racing. When people walk behind me I start breathing heavily and I have to turn around immediately and face them. From the moment I am in the store until I leave I truly believe (as in, it seems like an absolute fact to me) that someone is going to shoot up the store. I have to identify the exits, I have to identify all the places I could successfully hide, I have to identify who might be a shooter. I am usually super panicked and glued to the cart or my husband. I weep silently because I know it is coming, that someone is coming to shoot up the store. I know that many people will die. It seems like an absolute fact to me.

This is something I have been able to slowly overcome. I still have those thoughts, where I have to identify all exits and hiding places, and I still imagine people coming in to shoot up the place. But I no longer feel super panicked. My anxiety used to be around a 7/10 or 8/10 (with 1 being not anxious at all, and 10 people total meltdown). Now my anxiety hovers around a 3 or 4, depending on how long we are in the store. I have to thank my medication for that. My mind still reacts, but my body doesn't - definitely the medication working.

I still cannot retain memory well. My short term memory is almost useless. Sometimes people have to tell me the same thing over and over again. I hear them, I know what they say, but a few minutes later I cannot recall what we were talking about. Absent minded is the word. I also cannot think clearly. I have no idea how I am writing these blog entries lately. I guess I am powering through the absent mindedness? Without going back and rereading it, which I haven't, I have no idea what I typed just yesterday.

It's a pain. I cannot concentrate on anything. I cannot focus. I cannot remember. It's like a big hazy mess in my head. I cannot even spell properly. I cannot hold conversations, I cannot focus on tv or reading.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste and I feel like it's wasting away now.