Today I am going to talk about him, and this will be the only mention of his name since it's hard to write: Esteban Santiago.
I've read up all that I could about him. The FBI is supposed to release more information to us as it comes but here is what I know and recall from what I read (it's so hard to reread this stuff).
He was a mentally ill veteran. He tried to get help one day. He turned himself in and he turned the gun over. He told them everything that was on his mind. He thought the government was controlling his thoughts and was trying to recruit him for Isis. He turned himself in and turned over his gun. He told them that he was going to hurt people, and he tried to prevent that. So he sought out help and gave them his gun! A few weeks later they said he was fine and gave him back his gun. He went on to board a plane to Fort Lauderdale with that gun.
So here is the thing. After all I'm going through, after all the other victims are going through, and after all the people he has hurt... I feel nothing but sadness and pity for him. Here is where I might get some flack for my thoughts but they are mine to have. He is a victim of a flawed system. A system that doesn't take care of the mentally ill. A system that doesn't take care of our veterans. A system that doesn't listen to those who need someone to listen to them. So many sick people in the world, so many wanting help but not being able to receive it. It's a shame.
I understand it better as now I am a part of the cycle. I have issues (obviously) and I am seeking help to overcome the issues I have. If these issues were to be untreated, who knows how that would affect me and those around me. Who knows what the human body is capable of when the human mind has gone untreated.
I couldn't sleep again last night. In my search to occupy my thoughts I stumbled upon a website called Goodbye Warden. It's the last words of death row inmates at a prison. The point of the project isn't to take a political stance but rather show the last thoughts of someone who is about to die. I stayed up and read at least 200 of the 540 entries. It really got me thinking about Him and all the other people on death row.
I won't get too political but there were several people who proclaimed their innocents until the end. There is an estimated 5% of the inmates are innocent. Innocent people who have been appealing the system for years trying to prove it and then having to die. I related heavily to them. I felt I was innocent and I was waiting to die, although I didn't have time to prepare a speech or find the peace that many of the inmates received, I still felt an odd sense of connection with each entry I read. Some were angry until the end, some were poetic, some were apologetic, some blame shifted, and many found religion and peace. I felt I had to read every entry but I had to stop eventually after a few intense ones.
Okay, on to the point...
I am looking to find purpose in the world. So many people have shoved "you survived for a reason" down my throat that I am actively trying to find that reason. As of now there are few things I am wanting to do to help fill that purpose. I want to help other victims like me: Survivors of trauma. Survivors of terrorist attacks. PTSD sufferers... I want to reach out and offer them any help and guidance I can. That, I think, is probably a given if you know me already. The thing that I didn't see coming is I want to reach out to death row inmates. It's weird, I know. Trust me, it caught me off guard when I thought it the first time as well.
I was a fence sitter on the death penalty. I saw both sides of the argument, and I still continue to see new emerging pros and cons of each side of the issue as well. The system is broken, and that is an absolute fact. From preventing crime to the punishment thereof. Fort Lauderdale could have been prevented. The shooter himself tried to prevent it. That's bad enough, but to think of the innocent people who are knowingly going to their deaths? That's a tough pill to swallow.
I feel like this urge to reach out to them is weird. Should have the opposite desire? I am not sure if I will feel the same tomorrow or the next day, but I feel it strongly now. To help people on both sides. To help them all feel at peace. This is where I am at currently. That site sparked something in me. However, many of them are also not innocent. They have done horrid things and have caused suffering. Do they deserve someone reaching out to them? I honestly don't know.
The shooter is not innocent. He committed the crime and that is a fact. His trial isn't until much later this year, but he is looking at the death penalty. If I am honest, I don't want to reach out to him. I have a curiosity of what he might say, but it would harm me more than I am willing to allow. I feel nothing but sadness for his life up to that point and nothing but pity for him now. I am not angry at him, although I feel I should be. His story is a tragedy. But the others that didn't personally impact my life... maybe they can find solace with me, and I with them.
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