So ASD episodes only last about 4-6 weeks after the original incident. I am on week 9 as I write this. After 4-6 weeks everything you experience is officially PTSD and the episodes are so different than what I was experiencing. Not better, not worse, just different. I had my first PTSD episode during a Storm that happened last week, or the week before. It's hard to remember. I still have issues with my cognitive thinking and time seems to move so fast as well.
So basically there was a big storm that rolled through town. It started around 6 AM and really got bad around 6:34 AM. It's weird that I can remember the time. I have this app on my phone called "Calm" and I turned on the sound and was trying to soothe myself. I knew I was about to have a panic attack. And I did.
Every time the Thunder sounded I felt like I couldn't breath. I couldn't think. I had no thoughts. All I could do was hear the storm and I felt like I was going to die. I was trying so hard to keep it together and I just couldn't. I couldn't move. It was basically a Panic Attack but it lasted longer. Erich tried to calm me down as best as he could and I eventually was able to sit up. Once I sat up, still sobbing, I called my mom to see if she could pick me up for work. Erich was about to leave for his job so it was close to 8AM. After I hung up the phone, Erich started to walk out the door. The thunder was still rolling and I fell down, paralyzed, and continued to cry. I didn't want him to stay and baby me, but he did. He got back in bed and held me through it.
This second wind of the episode really freaked me out. I couldn't control my body. Seriously. I felt like I was constantly squirming within my body but I had no thoughts, just impending doom. Sometimes my arms would jerk and hit the bed over and over again. No control. So here I am, crying LOUDLY (the neighbors could have heard me for all I know), feeling like I am squirming yet paralyzed, cannot control my flailing arms and legs, and just feeling like I was going to die. I couldn't think at all. I wanted to think, to hold on to one coherent thought and I couldn't. I could hear Erich's voice and feel him holding me, but every time the thunder sounded or I saw the flash of lightening I just couldn't control myself - it made everything worse.
15 minutes before I was supposed to go into work, with the help of Erich, I was able to notify my bosses that I was going to be late/not come in today. It was awful. I just couldn't get a hold of myself. It was about 9 AM before I was calm again. I could move, I could talk, I could breathe, I didn't feel like I was dying. I was all cried out. Erich stayed with me for another 40 minutes and I tried to go to work at the same time he left.
I am pretty annoyed with myself for going into work for two reasons. 1) That was a serious episode that lasted like 2 hours and I didn't fully recover even while at work, and had a very bad rest of the day. 2) My work didn't appreciate me coming in. Yes, my work thought I was "milking" the incident and "faking/exaggerating" everything - Including the attacks I've had at work IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE. So on top of the stress I'm already feeling, my bosses are treating me as if I am lying about everything. It hurt so much to hear because I have a strong work and I wanted to prove to them that I am more powerful than these episodes... I put in as much will power and determination to prove that I a can still do my job for their sake (they need me, it's a busy busy time) and to feel like they think I am a liar and I am using this terrorist attack as an excuse to miss work - not even a full day, just a few hours... I am just speechless. I had to cry after I heard that.
Sorry, went off on a tangent. The point is, I shouldn't have gone into work that day. I shouldn't have gone into work as fast as I did anyway! So please, if you have these moments or you've survived something traumatic, please take time for yourself. Don't worry about your job right now. Worry about yourself because sometimes your job won't worry about you. Surround yourself with people to bring you back to reality and to remind you that you are loved. Please, do it.
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