Weekend

Trying to continue on with my updates, but they are starting to sound more like Journal entries. I don't know if it matters any more. It's the same stuff over and over.

I had a good Saturday night. Went out to eat with a friend, then went to two stores, then back to her house, then home.

I had an okay Sunday. My sister had a small Reveal party. It was crowded. Tried my best to stay the whole time, couldn't. Went home.

Even though there has been a ton of progress, this weekend has taught me that there is still work to be done. I had an absolutely fine Saturday with low anxiety and no panic attacks. It was 100% okay. I had a bad Sunday because of the crowded event space and loud noises (and sirens every few minutes it seemed).

I think it is safe to say that noise is still a trigger; crowds, less so. I still have intrusive thoughts but they do not trigger any attacks. For example, on both days, wherever I was located, I still had to find the exits and hiding spots and STILL had the fantasy of a person or persons shooting up the place. I envision it and try to mentally prepare myself of it happening.

Another weird thing that is still present. The gun. I cannot recall the situation or times, but the gun was back. I could feel it pressing into my head. It is starting to cause actual headaches. I try to make the gun go off on my own, but I cannot control it. It has to go off when there is a loud noise. Sometimes the noise is imaginary - all in my head - and it goes off. Sometimes it's an actual loud noise. Either way, I feel relief when it goes off. Well, terror first because it's another "I'm dead" moment, but then an odd relief that the gun is no longer there, or it's presence is diminishing. It's really hard to explain, I guess. I know it makes me sound crazy. It's just something that will get better with time.

For the good stuff: FRIDAY!
I finally got to see my psychiatrist again. It was a big relief, since it was 3 weeks since I saw her last. I didn't have time to continue with my prolonged exposure therapy, but I did get to vent about the last few weeks. The highlights were, in this order we discussed them: Work situation (they believe I am faking it and milking the situation), Erich's episode, and insomnia/nightmares.

Work situation... it seemed more like a vent. She didn't offer many solutions except "Figure out what you want to do (quit, improve work performance, etc.) and I can give you the supporting documents for it. So, not very satisfied with that, but I didn't want to spend much longer talking about it.

Erich's Episode. She said it's not "unusual" basically. She said, obviously, if I feel he might be a danger to anyone or himself there are ways to deal with it. We discussed each way, but at the moment, I don't think it will come to that. She said it was most likely an extreme build up of emotion - that he was most likely holding all his thoughts and feelings down and they just exploded out. I believe that. He's been the strong one way too often and I don't think he's been letting it all out properly. So there is a good chance it was literally just that. She wants me to do two things with Erich, that I have yet to do: Ask him if he remembers it all and then tell him how scared I was. It will kick his butt into gear to be more open with his emotions, to help him to continue therapy, and to take his medication!!! He will be having a heart to heart with a friend later tonight about it. I hope that it works and then I can easy my way into talking to him about it. I truly hope all goes well and it's not a "big" thing. I really hope he can confine in his best friend tonight. Crossing all of my fingers this works. My psychiatrist agrees and thinks this is the way to go as well, so at least there is that!

Other than that, I still feel my medication working. I cannot shut off  my sense of humor. I guess it was suppressed for so long that I am pulling out every quip and zinger I know. I am happy. Like feeling genuine happiness (or is it artificial because it's a result of the medication)? Idk. It's happiness though, and I guess that's all I can ask for. I am going to bask in it until my next prolonged exposure session on Friday. I know that will probably make my mood shift, but we will see.

Small victory:
I finished my letter to Anne Andres. Not sure if I will send or not.

Goals I need to complete:
I need to write letter to First responders. This was something I definitely wanted to do. There was particularly one who was looking out for me. I believe his name was Deputy/Detective/Officer Hutchins (or something very similar). He knew I was struggling with my asthma and made sure to check on me and then find me to take me to the EMT's. Those guys helped so many people, they need to be thanked.

Oh! I am going to the movies today... Or at least trying to. Monday Night seems to be quiet, and we are going to see a Disney movie, so I am sure it will be okay. Bringing my earplugs just in case and if I have to cry, at least no one will see me. During this time, Erich will be having his heart to heart so I hope it's a good night all around.

Okay. That's it for now! I'll update next time on how everything goes.