Here is an example of what an ASD attack feels like. I am using an example that I wrote about when I had an attack at work. I will probably have several entries about ASD/PTSD episodes because I just couldn't find any firsthand experiences online. So here are my first hand experiences.
Basically, when I first started taking the medication, I started a small journal to track side effects and to maybe see if the medicine actually worked. The Buspirone was supposed to work faster than the Setraline and I could take that as needed. This is on a day I took 3 buspirone pills in one day. This was my second day back to work since the incident and I definitely believe I went back to work way too early. Seriously, if you go through something like this, take 2-3 weeks off of work. When you feel like you are ready to go back to work and you are confident and positive, WAIT ONE MORE DAY just to be sure. I wish someone told me. I was not ready for work and I feel like I am just NOW ready for work. Anyways, this is what I wrote in my journal vs what I actually felt and experienced.
TUESDAY 1/24/2017- Slept deeply but had a bad realistic dream that woke me up around 4 AM. Had trouble getting back to sleep. Took BuSpar at 8:30 AM. Still worried about driving but made it to work okay. I told the story to my boss who went through something similar (low details). Wanted to cry but didn't. Medicine started to work?
12:10 I have a head ache. Feel tired
12:32 I feel numb. Everything seems louder than normal. Getting jumpy in my skin. Going to cry. Feeling confused. Going to look for someone to talk to.
12:50 Freaked out. Had an attack Didn't know where I was. It's over now.
1:48 took another pill.
5:16 I just don't understand why I'm alive. I don't understand. I don't deserve it. I should have died. Nothingness.
This is what I can remember experiencing:
I was feeling fine. Confident after I talked to my boss. I told him if I ever feel confused, that my psychiatrist told me to find someone and start talking to them normally. Having a normal conversation would keep me from flashing back. He understood. I sat at my desk and I wanted to just focus on work and getting back to normal. If I could just have a normal day at work, I knew I would be fine. I was sitting at my computer and I started getting a bad headache. I was doing data entry and I could hear the thundering of the keys being pressed as I typed in each word (hyperacusis). The headache started at least an hour before I wrote it out. I also felt super drowsy, I could fall asleep if I put my head down on my desk but I just wanted to work through the headache and focus on getting through the day.
As I was looking down at a piece of paper, getting the information off of it to enter into our database, I started to really zone in on the color of the paper. The color seemed off. I couldn't really understand why the paper was that color. Then my vision started getting fuzzy - I believe it was more like a tunnel vision where I could see what was directly in front of my eyes but I couldn't focus on anything around that paper. The only thing that existed in my vision was that off-colored paper. That's when I started questioning everything.
My chest tightened and my breathing was short and heavy. I tried to stand to find someone to talk to but I couldn't and I collapsed on the ground. In my head I thought this wasn't real. That everything around me was a dream and it was a coping mechanism my brain created because I was still on the ground waiting to die. I saw the carpet and I saw the shooters shoes again. I could hear the popping noise the gun made. I curled up into a ball trying to control my breathing. I still thought I was there on the ground, waiting to die. My boss found me, he shut the door to my office. He softly spoke to me, Are you alright? You're in Louisville. You're safe. He repeated "You're safe" softly a few more times and I started sobbing. I just couldn't control it. I had to cry and I cried hard.
My brain eventually kicked back on, to a degree. As soon as I could stand again, I stood but sat back at my desk. Through tears in my eyes, I told him I was fine and that I could go back to work. He demanded I take a lunch and get out of the office for a bit... He didn't realize I felt safer in the office than I did outside of it. I sat outside the office for a good 15-20 minutes, still breathing heavily and crying until my mother came to pick me up to take me to lunch. I ended up having another panic attack on my lunch break, but luckily I was with my mom and she was able to take care of me.
I returned to work but I couldn't work the rest of the day. I was tired, I was exhausted, my head hurt, I was still confused. I worked slowly and then clocked out when I couldn't work anymore.
ASD episodes are no joke. The scared and panicked feeling is like nothing I ever experienced. I had these episodes frequently. I am not sure how frequently, I just know when they were bad, they were REALLY bad. I will write about another attack I had in another entry.
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