The Ghost known as PTSD

I want to clarify something. In my last entry about it, I may have been too fanciful describing how my ghost feels and acts. Although everything I wrote is true and is what I experience, it might diminish what I am actually going through. In this entry, I am going to be straight forward. 

You know that feeling you get when someone is hovering over your shoulder, breathing down your neck. I feel that. That is where the shooter always is. On my left shoulder, hovering over me, watching everything I do. This isn't a delusion as much as it's just a sensation. If I turn to look over my shoulder, I expect to see someone there because the feeling is so real, but I know he isn't there. So why my left shoulder? Because that is where the bullet would have entered. Where he was towering over me. Right side of my head to the floor, exposing the left side of my head. It almost feels like the shadow of him has weight. Like that side of me feels heavy. It's always the left side of my head. Almost never the right side. I am thinking back now and even when I hear a noise on my right side, I think I still feel the gun on my left.

The gun sensation. It is as close to real as any imaginary friend I've ever had. I don't think I was one for imaginary friends, I don't remember having any. It's hard to describe. I am sure it feels completely different than having an actual gun to the back of the head, but it's almost real. It starts with intrusive thoughts. Usually thoughts about someone coming in and shooting me from behind or something similar. I have these thoughts several times a day (or maybe all day?). The medication usually keeps them at bay, but if I get stuck on one of those thoughts too long, it starts to materialize. I start feeling a pressing pain on the back of my head. I start to feel what I believe to be the cold metal of the barrel. It does feel like it presses into my head, and the thought actually causes a headache (or maybe the headache triggers the thought?). Either way, it doesn't stop until it goes off and "shoots me." It usually only happens if I hear a loud noise, or vividly imagine a loud noise. Then, after realizing I am not dead, the headache starts to go away. 

My crying fits are suppressed. I am sure my medication suppresses it. There are moments where I am so upset I want to cry but can't muster it up UNLESS I am really bothered or upset by it. I've tested it with sad movies and thoughts. It's officially very hard to make me cry. I did cry at my sister's reveal party and my movie friend date.

My panic attacks have been suppressed as well. I still get nervous, jumpy, and panicky. Those moments just go away faster. My panic attacks last mere seconds if not less than a minute. Except at my sister's reveal party and the movie friend date.

What I am saying is, that the attacks, both crying and panic, have gotten so much lesser. But the fact that I still feel the ghost over my shoulder and the gun to my head is still worrying. The intrusive thoughts are impossible to get rid of as well.