Beauty and PTSD

So here is the update to the post I wrote yesterday.

So I was feeling nervous because there were Thunderstorms all afternoon. They were mild and not very "thunder-y" but I was still on edge. I was able to get to our Friends house after some moments on the drive over, then proceeded to block out the Thunder with alcohol!

First off, let me say, dinner was Fantastic. I doubt the people who made it will read this but it was absolutely delicious. I have left overs packed for lunch today. Homemade sopes (pellizcadas), and some with homemade vegan chorizo for me! Absolutely delicious..

Anyway, I still proceeded to get drunk and I got drunk fast. I was ready to venture into the storm and take on this movie... This kids movie by Disney... the live action Beauty and the Beast. I mean, we were going on a Monday night, during a storm, no one will be there! I got my earplugs and I am feeling buzzed! It shouldn't be that bad, right?

This brings me to desensitization. I never realized how everyone around me have become so used to standard violence. Even in that sentence I used the word "standard." Movies with violence never really bothered me. I say my limit is probably body horror films. Those make me squirm, but I still enjoy it! But violence in a kids movie? Laughable! Never in my dreams would I have thought a kids movie would mess me up so much.

I would like to point out that no one warned me that there were violent parts in the film. It's because they probably didn't really notice it. The part at the beginning when Maurice is being attacked by wolves... My eyes were covered and I panicked. Several jump scares later and we are Midway through the movie. There is a song praising Gaston, and a gun goes off during it. I jump and get nervous. The climax of the film... I didn't see it at all. There were too many surprise gunshots to count. Actually, I did count the first few. They were back to back to back. Pow....Pow...POW. Almost to the same beat at the airport. I cried. I cried hard. I tried to contain myself, but I couldn't. I was sobbing, next to my friend, and I didn't want her to feel awkward but I couldn't stop. My eyes were still closed as the tears poured.

The fact is, it's a KIDS MOVIE. And I was startled by it often. I was driven to the point of tears. I now wonder if I will always be easily startled or triggered by gunshots.

BUT! I did go to the movies. I  made it all the way through. So at least that is one goal I can tick off. Next time might be easier. I might have to stick with kid movies for a while though.

Erich's talk didn't happen yesterday. But he had a fun day. I did ask him one question, if he remembers his episode. He told me no, not really. That is probably a sign of something bad. It's what my psychiatrist specifically asked me to ask him. It's our anniversary today. I won't bring it up today. But I might bring it up tomorrow. I will be brave and feel him out, and have a talk with him myself... I just don't know where to start and I don't want to trigger him again :'(

Still not getting sleep... I am so exhausted I feel like I can pass out when I am driving... but not when I get home. I would love one full night of rest!